What Condiment Would You Choose To Claim Your Personal Space?

Manspreading is so 2019. Thanks to CNN Senior Editor Pervaiz Shalwani’s sharp eye and commitment to Twitter reporting food crimes despite it not being his beat, we now know that using condiments to claim personal space is a real thing for some commuters. If you want us to recap the story for you so you don’t have to click on another link, here it goes.

Shalwani details how a New York subway rider removed a bottle of ketchup and squirted it around the floor in front of his seat, with the thinking being people are horrified to step in anything. That’s pretty much true as when it comes to avoiding things, people handing out flyers and stuff on the floor of a subway are two things people tend to avoid at all costs. Predictably, the woman seated next to this misunderstood food artist didn’t move an inch, because real New Yorkers see this kind of shit like all the time and we appreciate how it gives our city character. And while food waste while littering in public is probably a crime punishable by a fine, the reality is we’re probably just going to publicly shame this person or talk about how the world is ready for this kind of genius just yet. The only thing that would have made this story even more intense is if it happened on a plane, but the world is already divided over the Great Seat Reclining Debacle of 2020 and we can only handle so much public space shaming at a time.

Now, we’re not suggesting you spread condiments around if you’re feeling claustrophobic, but if you had to under certain circumstances, what condiment would you choose and why? Here’s a breakdown on a few options and who they might be best suited for:

For The Truly Evil: Tartar Sauce

The smell of fish while being forced to endure an endless subway ride in our opinion is a pain we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemies. That’s why tartar sauce, the correct condiment to slather on seafood, would be our choice for sociopaths everywhere. We’re so disgusted with the thought of spreading mayonnaise with pickles that we aren’t even going to show you a photo because we don’t want to encourage this.

For The Person Who Likes to Divide the Room: Mayonnaise

Mayo is thick and smells a little funny, but it works well with french fries. It’s the perfect love or hate condiment, so spreading mayonnaise is ideal for dividing the room. Which is exactly what you want to accomplish if you need a little more space, but not an enormous amount.

For The Trendy Millennial: Mayonnaise Made with Avocado Oil

You basically share all of the same traits as the person who spreads mayo but are 10 years younger and are trying to incorporate avocados in your diet whenever you can. You’re probably drowning out life anyway by never taking out your ear buds, but taking advantage of a trend is still important to you.

You’re not that terrible if you use tomato based condiments to claim a seat.

For The “I just Had a Rough Day and Need to Breathe”: Ketchup

Using a tomato based condiment as opposed to cream or mustard means you aren’t a bad person but just had a rough day and need your alone time. It’s easy to clean up, it’s pretty much used for fake blood in movies all the time, and it’s generally not that big of a deal if you get some on your shoes. Sure, it will likely attract bugs because of all the sugar inside it, but honestly this is like one step above getting water on you: not that big of a deal.

For The Person Who Just Wants You to Cry with Them: Sriracha or Hot Sauce

Spicy peppers have a tendency to make people cry, so if you just want someone to feel you pain but not get too close, we suggest sriracha or hot sauce.

For The Person Who Loves a Good Mystery: Special Sauce

You crave attention but don’t want people to know who you truly are. If so, this is obviously your go to condiment.

Spreading mustard around? Maybe you’re just trying to brighten someone’s day

For The Person Who Wants Everyone to Stay Grounded: Mustard (and all its varieties)

Look, sometimes being around other people makes us forget who we really are. When that happens, it is mustard made from the tiny mustard seed that reminds us we need to stay grounded. Opt for dijon if you’re feeling a bit spicy that day.

Ranch & Pizza: You’re definitely a food writer who’s palette has been destroyed and you now want revenge

For the Food Writer: Pizza Ranch

Your palette has been destroyed by years of extreme flavors so the only thing you can taste is when pizza and ranch decide to have a baby. You also spend all of your disposable income to splurge on hybrid condiments.

Do you have a go to condiment you’d use to create a little more personal space. Let us know how you spread the love in the comments below.